Agony in Silence

SILENCE? What does it mean? Silence has a lot of meaning. To some people, silence could mean tranquility, serenity, and peace. But to others, silence could mean pain, agony or distress. 

When I can't express myself when I'm disappointed or angry (most of the time about family matters), I choose to be silent. The feeling of "silence in pain" is kakaiba -- you are screaming inside, you can hear your thoughts passing fluidly and you can feel and hear the sound of your heart beating. In between that silence, you'll have your realizations about things that you are going through. You'll question your self, "Was it really my fault? Kasalanan ko ba talaga? Why am I always the one at fault? Am I really worthless? Lagi na lang bang ganito?". But in some cases, silence can make what you are feeling worse. Dyan na kasi pumapasok yung pagtatanim ng grudge to that person whom you have unsettled issue/s kahit na you're saying to your self not to take grudge on anyone PERO 'di kasi maiiwasan (in my own point of view). Yung mga unsettled issues na dati pa is bumabalik and dumadagdag sa present issue/s. Some people might ask, "Why don't you confront that person?" I tried to confront her (EXAMPLE: my mom) pero failed. I was calm naman when I did that. Of course, every mom thinks that when her son/daughter is sumagot even in a calm way it's unrespectful na. It was never my intention to win kapag nagkakaroon kami ng "sagutan", all I wanted is "to be heard." I'm not over-reacting but my mom is like, "I'm always right" and close-minded. She's that kind of person. Kung ano yung pinaniniwalaan niyang tama, yun lang. I'm the youngest and the ONLY girl na anak niya, pero bakit sa'kin 'di man lang magawang makinig? And how can I be heard if madalas na kauuwian is away and nagagalit agad kakasimula ko lang magsalita when it was my turn? Sometimes kahit na want ko na talagang magsalita pinipigilan ko na lang self ko 'coz I know wala ding kakauwiang maganda and then I'll end up crying in my room and my thoughts starts screaming inside my head. I'll just cry hanggang sa makakatulog na pala ako. It's sad to think na makakatulog ka dahil napagod ka na kakaiyak.

I have read a quote ang sabi, "Silence is the most powerful scream", well I do believe in this quote kasi madalas akong ganyan lalo na when I'm restricted to express what I really feel. I just go inside my room and in silence, all of my thoughts are screaming inside my head na. I can also relate to this quote by Elbert Hubbard,  "He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words." <-- This quote explains it all.

***Mahirap na manatili na lang na tahimik sa tuwing may problemang kinakaharap at mahirap din na kumausap ng isang indibidwal na hindi magawang matutunang makinig.